Taking It Down a Notch...Or Up, Depending on How You Look At It...

This blog post is possibly a bit "heavier" than my normal posts are, but come on....things are typically pretty breezy here at "The Gunnar Show", so it won't kill anyone to have read something more serious.  Mostly, I LIKE writing about fun and easy stuff, but I've been thinking about this particular topic lately, so of course I have to blog about it.  

We have some friends...really, more like friends OF friends, who recently delivered twin baby boys at 22 weeks.  One baby, Titus, did not make it, and passed away after 45 minutes.  The other baby, Asher, weighing in at 1 pound, 6 ounces, is fighting for his life in the NICU.  If you'd like to pray for them, that would be awesome.  If you'd like to follow their blog, you can do so at www.bryanandrobynadams.blogspot.com.  

Anyway, Robyn had a post the other day, that really resonated with me.  I'm warning you...the post itself, and the following statements I'm about to make regarding the post, seem a bit sad, BUT really they're not, in the grand scheme of things, and what she had to say is so true.  First, let me summarize what the post was about (for those of you who didn't click on my nifty little link above, and read it for yourself).  Basically, Robyn was talking about how she's been hesitant to fully embrace being a mom. How she's been hesitant to celebrate.  How she's held off on buying some fun things (like a diaper bag), and some necessary things (like a breast pump).  How she hasn't been a full participant in some of the "little victories" that Asher has accomplished so far in the NICU.  She's AFRAID to celebrate, AFRAID to enjoy.  She's AFRAID to buy that diaper bag,  and buy that breast pump, and then end up losing Asher (because yes, his condition is still pretty precarious), and have to have that mommy memorabilia lying around, unused, and serving as a constant reminder of what she lost.  

However, she really felt God speaking to her, and changing her heart, and telling her that she needs to enjoy being a mom NOW.  In fact, her exact words were, "But then, I felt like God was telling me I'm a mom right now. I need to enjoy it now- whatever version of it I get. And I can't live in fear."  It doesn't MATTER what the future holds...good, bad, or something in between.  What matters, is that God has given her THIS moment.  He has blessed her with a child.  He has blessed her by allowing her to experience giving life to little boy, and being his mom.  THAT IS A BLESSING.  

The reason this really resonated with me, even though I have a healthy child, is because I too spend a lot of time living in fear, when it comes to my child.  Ummm, hi, my name is Hayley, and I have a worry problem.  Have I mentioned that?  Ha ha.  Anyway, prior to even reading Robyn's blog post, God had really been convicting ME of the fact that Gunnar is a blessing.  I know..duh, right?  Of course he is.  That wasn't necessarily news to me, or particularly convicting.  But what WAS convicting was the realization that by spending SO.MUCH.TIME living in fear, worry, anxiety, wondering and worrying about what could be wrong with him/is wrong with him/might one day become wrong with him/seems like is wrong with him/heard of someone else that had something wrong with them and so does Gunnar have that wrong with him too?/etc/etc/etc, I'm basically turning something that was INTENDED to be a blessing, into anything BUT.   It's downright shameful, really.  God gave me this wonderful opportunity to be a mom, to have a beautiful child who brings so much joy into my life, and yet I rob myself of the blessing, by allowing that blessing to become a source of anxiety, thereby cancelling out the entire "blessing" aspect of it.  

Psalm 127:3 says, "Children are a blessing from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward."  Period.  Bottom Line.  Children are a blessing.  They just ARE.  

I'm blessed enough to have a child who is healthy.  But even if he wasn't, or even if he someday isn't, or (moving away from the healthy/unhealthy aspect of it) even when he's a total pill, and drains me physically and emotionally, or whines all day, or disobeys all day, HE IS A BLESSING.  I WAS MEANT TO ENJOY HIM.  

I think it's so important that I (and maybe you too) realize this, about our kids, and just about God's blessings in our lives in general.  We don't need to spend so much time..or any time, really...dwelling on what will BECOME of the blessings God has given us. We need to enjoy, and savor, and be thankful for those blessings, in those moment.  

I just can't say enough about how convicting this is to me, and how much I need to apply it.  Yes, for me, it mostly speaks to my worry issue.  But it also speaks to the, "how many more minutes until naptime??" issue, and the "how much longer until daddy gets home, and he can handle you for a while" issue, and the "I cannot wait until the toddler years are over!!" issue.  

I resolve to enjoy every blessing, in the moment, as they come, paying no mind to that Big Bad Bully called, "what the future holds".  

The End